Tag: morning routine

  • Day 72 – Morning routines

    Meditation 45 – 30 minutes
    Exercise 53

    Mind a flutters. So much to do and I’ve left myself little time. The stress I create for myself. White rabbit, checking for time, yelling, “I’m late, I’m late!”

    After 30 minute meditation, I rise. Gentle and warm water falls on my back and I utter “I’m so happy”. Pumping shampoo twice on my left hand. Clear and pink gel, I rub onto to the top of scalp, both hands rubbing gently, mixing a bit of water to create foam. Tips of my fingers gently massage scalp, before feeling the water rush over me. Another two pumps onto my left palm, with conditioner on the bottom of my head. Feeling the glossy liquid softening every follicle and strand.

    This time, I pump the body wash. Not enough soap, so I uncap the top to add a bit of water, before closing and shaking it a bit. Onto the red body towel, I squeeze the bottle, and I scrub. Holding it on my right hand, I start with my left forearm, ending with my back.

    As water washes away all the soap and scum, I exhale. How good does it feel to feel the body cleanse against the soft and warm shower that hits every pore and surface of my being?

    It is not even 5am, and so I use three towels to dry. Being considerate not to wake up my neighbors.

    I put on a green dress, feeling the fabric sway as I climb the three flights of stairs. I feel a small joy.

    On the promenade, I feel hesitant with the darkness. I used to be afraid of ghosts. I spend my days in the shadow, relying on candles and incense when night comes. But I am now aware of people’s indelible intentions lurking in the dark.

    As I cross to the other side, a woman wearing a bouquet, donning a backpack and a set of jacket greets me, “good morning”, surprising me. A man is sitting up on the grass, getting up for the day, folding his blanket. I cross the brick road to walk alongside the sea wall, waves crashing.

    Two men walk alone. One woman runner. Few more, and a pair running alongside. Few are out and about. A tall man runs past, breathing hard as he sprints.

    Sea foam clings to the sea wall, reminiscent of recent crash from the night before. Just past the rhino, a long line of waves form; white foam against the edge, illuminating the horizon. This body of water, crashing against jagged edges, how far have you traveled? Where do you come from? I wouldn’t have noticed the water had it not crashed and broken against the surface. And so, I wonder. Life’s challenges and obstacles are like these rocks. We are the water. It’s only during these times our true nature is revealed. Do we crumble under pressure, or do we rise to the occasion? I feel as if. No, I have been feeling the pressure, with me crumbling into inedible crumbs of a cookie I no longer crave. Shapes and size of my being not clear in my own mind.

    My senses heighten, listening for every sound. Scanning for danger, not wanting to expose myself to stray strangers. Turning my head to my right, I see a man running past.

    This love letter goes out to early mornings. Little routines and habit leading to the promenade, onto this cafe, with my body exhaling and relaxing, with the every intention of finishing the long overdue and important.

    Has it already been 72 days?

  • Day 66 – 4am

    Meditation Day 39 – 51 minutes
    Exercise 47

    To routines that work for me. Get up at 4am. 50 minute Vipassana meditation. Birds chirp. More cars pass. Before the alarm, I know I’m done with the morning sit. Stretch. Write in my journal. Love letter for one hundred days. Boil water. Likely a cup of coffee and or tea with honey.

    Watch the darkness lift into the light of day. It is 05:25am as I write these words.

    Today was made by yesterday’s actions. I went to sleep, after putting down my device at 09:30pm. Coming home and washing immediately. Putting on PJs and scanning the body before, under soft Egyptian cotton duvet, feeling the weight of my body, molding into the shape of my being.

    Awake before the alarm clock. Five minute passes before meditation as I look for the silent recording. How quickly time passes – I forget. Remnant of the past sabbatical where I lost a sense of clock time. As well as me not wanting to live by clock time. Maybe this was disillusionment, and I would like to find a better balance.

    As my breath becomes labored and legs cramp, I open my eyes. 51 minutes have passed, and I know I was about to enter the state the previous AT told me to avoid. Too much surfacing in non-center could be harmful to the meditator. Maybe something I can do during a one-day sit or weekend, but not on a week day.

    I open the patio door and the window to my bedroom. To let go the yesterday and welcome today in. Clean air, in the midst of deep slumber. A safeguard against uninvited smoke of marijuana or cigarettes.

    I light the red candle, cradled by Buddha. One of few items I kept when I got rid of everything.

    Know thyself. I have the tendency to want to blend in. To not stand out, but not necessarily fit in. Difficult to do when I have so many questions. I’ve grown accustomed to being the best or smartest in the room. Meaning, I’ve outgrown these people and places, and I cannot learn from them. I was afraid of leaving people behind. So I decided to be left behind. Because you can either leave people behind or be left behind.

    Two choices. They are both active and requires massive action to cross the chasm or fight the internal urge to do what is best for self. It may seem easier to stay, as the biggest fish in the small pool of water drying up. The greatest being wants to come out and live out its potential. Wanting to convert itself into kinetic energy of motion and movement.

    I am not unique. This applies to everyone. Perhaps this is why we need uninterrupted time. To dig deep within ourselves to meet the uniqueness of our being, lighting up by doing what we love. Isn’t this why we doom scroll and look for dopamine hits? So we can avoid ourselves. To shield ourselves from the truth staring back at us?

    Not tiptoing around the edge and seeing how we can please and not ruffle anyone’s feathers. Like the water’s surface first thing in the morning. Like glass, letting us glide across, stream gently forming on the bottom of the fiberglass surface. And on this lake, we dip our oars in unison, pulling together, moving forward, yet we cannot see where we’re going because only the coxswain can see and steer our boat. We trust our leader and focus on our strokes and postures. Who is the coxswain of my being? The gentle and thoughtful soul with words pouring out of its heart. Sketching, filling in and coloring the world with pictures I see.

    Making connections faster and in the most unlikely places? Feeling the pulsations of this world in the depth of my skin and heart.

    This morning, I let go of restraints and the critic inside. I write what comes to mind. Hearing small taps dance across the black keyboard. And this, by itself. Gives me immense joy. Not happiness. Not contentment. Joy of being alive. Doing what comes naturally to me. Living my values of being open and honest. Knowing and living the power of vulnerability.

    Only I can hurt myself. Put myself in harm’s way. The biggest sin is restraint. Holding myself back from what excites me. Chasing discomfort. Doing the work that matters. Keeping my promises, even the littlest ones. Getting on top of my admin. Because to get things done and get eveyrone on the same page, it requires clear vision, plan and intent. They say it takes massive action. I say it takes silence and sitting with self, without interruption and external forces. Because I believe every one of us have good in all of us. Unique talents and abilities waiting to be unleashed. I say it takes self-reflection, discipline and the right environment.

    What I lack is the right environment with people who are better than me in terms of their skillset and consistency in their efforts. To challenge and grow me. My personal responsibility. I achieved my personal best ascent of 32 minutes up Lion’s Head because a lady passed me. The competitive spirit inside wanted to overtake her (I couldn’t), but I shaved 32 minutes from my previous 34.

    Musings of my early morning, creating map of myself into my soul.

    All thanks to going to sleep early and waking up early. Before getting ready to go for a morning walk with Georgie. I used to believe our actions alone don’t define us. I was wrong. That is the only thing that defines us.

    I am grateful to kick off day 1 of healthy morning routine.

    To routines and self-care that works for me. I hope you have something that works for you. I hope you stick to what keeps you alive and come to life. Yesterday, I felt alone. I wished for someone to come over. Hold me. Make me something warm to drink. Sadness I hadn’t felt for awhile. And so, I held myself and bought a nice jar of Yuja tea from Korea. I willed myself to go for a walk and attend the Salsa class with strangers, the steps and moves that feels more familiar. Deep inside, I know how many people love and appreciate me. Their lives are better because I’m in it.

    I hope you know how much you are loved even at your darkest and most alone moments. How do I know? Because I’ve been there. I found myself there yesterday. And today, here I am.

    It is 05:53am.