“If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will take you there.”
-Lewis Carroll
We meet at a mutual friend’s house.
Hi! I’ve heard so much about you! I’m so excited to meet you.
“Me, too, but. I just want you to know. I’m autistic.”
Tell me more. What makes you autistic? Thinking she doesn’t sound or look anything like Sheldon or rain man.
“I get overwhelmed with too many sensory overloads.”
What else?
“When I get curious about a topic, I can’t rest until I read everything on the topic.”
What else?
“I miss social cues.”
Sara and I look at each other in understanding.
I answer yes to all these questions too.
Is it possible that I, too, am on the spectrum?
Snapshots of the past come into focus.
Situations and places that never made sense. I see things I couldn’t fathom, too deep and unchartered.
Why there are more pictures of elder sister out and about, with me holding unworn shoes by the veranda.
When my niece cries to go home as the Disley world parade starts, pushing her hands tightly against her ears.
Why when I say things in seriousness, people laugh.
Why, when we play Cards against humanity (game I don’t like playing), I can never get a point.
Why we got into a fight in an elevator after a night at a club, leading friends going to the police station, getting mixed with a local gang member.
Now I understand why I’ve been hurt too often. I didn’t know to look left or right. I wasn’t using crosswalks. I didn’t know there were green, amber and red lights of social cues to help me cross to the other side. Getting hit by cars as I crossed.
I read everything I can get my hands on the topic. Watching YouTube videos and reading online.
Autism is misunderstood. It affects both sexes equally, with women misdiagnosed or never at all. There is a better word to describe wide range of symptoms for autism: Neurodiversity. Where within the neuro distribution curve do you fit in? A better world to frame autism, no different from the way we describe sexuality: LGBTQAI+. This alphabet soup moving away from the binary, into shades of reality.
At another weekend getaway, a friend is incredulous as she asks,
“Guys! Did you know that some people don’t have inner monologues? Who are these people.”
Do you guys hear voices in your head?
“Don’t you… … … !!!”
I see in pictures. When solving problems, I am connecting boxes and lines. When I do engage in audible monologue in solitude, it’s with a purpose. I am practicing my Korean pronunciation. I am preparing a speech. I’m practicing a conversation I need to have.
Going through the rolodex of what used to be a conundrum, I cry for days. It’s as if I was speaking a language no one could understand. And no one could understand me.
Jon asks, “Why does this matter to you?”
It helps me understand myself and world at large. A woman recounts, “I am disabled. I am disabled by my environment.”
Imagine a world built for blind people, and you are one of the few sighted. Books have no words you can see, braille you must feel with your fingertips. You become illiterate having to rely on the blind to help you. You lose your independence and sense of direction.
After spending months learning about neurodiversity, its manifestations on me, and sharing this newfound knowledge with friends and family… I start the journey of enabling myself. Learning how to speak the language of the neurotypical. Asking friends, “Is this appropriate?”
Then I gear up. Understanding why I am who I am and where I am. How I am always invited to come and join the team to do more and faster work of excellence. My superpower is my ability to learn anything I put my mind to. I see patterns and solutions in pictures, finding ways to connect the dots. I treat everyone the same, from the CEO to street sweepers. I think of them as people without titles. I call things out real time without worrying about social norms, addressing the elephant in the room. Without the internal monologue, I am mostly immune from self-doubt. I am confident.
Maybe it’s not just the symptom of not knowing where to go. I couldn’t see the paths of least resistance, how to cross safely to the other side. Now that I have put on glasses, I can see better. Where I struggle, I reach out to friends to help me understand better. This happened and this person said this… What does this mean? Generously, they give back.
“All you have to do is decide”
-Siamese Twin
I have decided to continue to find ways to enable myself. Creating nurturing environment designed just for me. Figuring out what I like, moving away dislikes. I have decided to lean into this neurodiversity of my superpower. To harness the power that’s been scattered and unrealized. This power that has been building inside!
This love letter goes out to Anisa for showing me the way. Thanks for helping me awaken the cartographer in me. Thanks for showing me that I can create my own maps and pathways. For marking the end of a fast.
Eid Mubarak.