emptybeginnings

  • Day 40 – omakase

    Meditation Day 16 – 0
    Day 25?

    To getting to know people close to me. And by doing so, getting to know myself better. To appreciating time with family and friends. To having thoughtful conversations where people feel safe to confide in me, knowing that I won’t spill their beans.

    I’ve been here before and something feels off. After walking in circles, I check the confirmation text. The GPS got the location wrong. I’m 17 minutes away on foot or 10 minutes via taxi. I message my cousin, feeling rushed. I get there in 10 minutes and rush through lunch. My fourth meal in Seoul, and my favorite that agrees with my body. Not too spicy and delicate flavors. Omakase style.

    “omakase” in Japanese means I leave it to you.

    I tell my cousin that the map is broken. “Show me.” After a quick glances, he smiles, “You entered the wrong place. Is that place still there?”

    I had entered 스시아이 but auto correct made it into 스시아지… The last letter sending me into a spiral. Funny how I blame others when I entered the wrong address. Especially after telling him and friends over lunch yesterday that as you get older, your ability to solve problems diminishes.

    He doesn’t let me pay. Instead, I buy coffee for his staff. After he’s done cleaning, we go out for coffee and snacks.

    He tells me a secret. People like confiding in me. “You should only two things when looking for a partner. Get rid of all other expectations,” he tells me. His? She must not go to church and she must be younger than 35 to be able to have children. He’s always wanted kids. He says I look better and younger than when he saw me from few years ago. He cheers me on for putting myself out there and going to all these classes.

    As we enter a building, I scurry just behind him, a turnstyle designed for one person. “It’s only for one person!” he protests. “I’m probably the only person in your life that will play with you in this way.” He agrees and we laugh.

    He says he doesn’t like people. He wears a mask so he doesn’t have to talk much and hide his expressions. He is clear on what he likes and what he wants to do with his my time.

    As we walk, I check my phone and I need to get back to attend an important meeting, and start my work day. Instead of going towards the river, I direct him to the bus station. As we say goodbye, I give him a big hug, and I get back to the Hoppin House.

    A close colleague has been given a retrenchment letter, and another close one has been affected. “How do you feel”, she asks me. “It’s like being inside the hurricane. Not knowing when it’s going to take off.”

    Lessons learned in the five days I’ve been here.

    Prioritization and commitment go hand-in-hand. Order of operation changes everything.
    Dedicating first waking moments to myself to meditate, write and watch the light push out the night ensure I keep my commitment to myself, the most important person in my life. By doing what matters the most first thing in the morning, I can go through the day with ease and confidence. Not only that… I have very little left to give at the end of the day. With 57 minutes to go, I wonder what I would have written had I started my day with this love letter.

    As I think about what to write to my future self one year from now, I wonder how I want my life to look and feel. What kind of work am I doing? Who I am spending my waking and before going to sleep moments with. Where I am.
    Life cannot be lived like omakase.
    I must leave it to myself to create the future by doing what I need to, in the present moment.

    What would be on your postcard to your future self?

  • Day 39 – 교보문고

    Meditation Day 15 – 0
    Day 24?

    Where has the day gone? It’s already tomorrow.

    After meeting a friend for lunch of Korean beef that melts in my mouth, we get coffee. Wind is blowing, the sky is blue. Another perfect day.

    I am still full from the meal 12 hours ago. Thereafter, I’m off to my favorite place: Kyobo Book store (광하문 교보문고). Picking up a cookbook titled, “Beautiful Korean Food 300”, Cantonese fiction, “귀신들의 땅” translated into Korean, and stationery set, bringing me intense joy.

    Then an impromptu visit to watch the light show inside one of the palaces in the middle of the evening, sharing my cousin’s wife sweater, marveling at this beautiful city with so much to see and so much to do.

    Another busy day with people and work. It’s only been four full days here, yet it feels like an eternity – not good or bad. Just is.

    I am looking forward to cooking with the basics, this book that was written by the Traditional Korean Food Laboratory when I’m back home in Cape Town.

    The picture of light show reflecting on the trees and pond around 9pm local time.

  • Day 38 – another perfect day

    Meditation Day 14 – 0
    Day 23

    I write this love letter to new feelings and experiences in familiar places.

    To discovering old places, I had forgotten about. Last night, as I come back from 신사동 after battling to turn on the TV, working on my laptop that I brought (good job, you!). On the way back, to get to 90 minutes of exercise, I keep on walking to find Han River. At 87 minutes, tomorrow arrives and I start over. People are walking, jogging, riding bikes, scooters, practicing golf swings and walking their dogs. I had forgotten about the river. I sit down in one of the exercise areas to stretch my legs and check up on Catherine in the USA. It’s 8:08am at Coachella. I tell her, “I’m walking South African hours.”

    To meeting new people.

    I walk back to the coworking and co-living space to find four people working. It’s uncanny to find people like me. Remote workers working non Korean hours.

    “Hi, I’m Martin. What’s your name? I’m Half Cantonese. Half Korean. It’s the worst of both. Koreans are so vain. Cantonese are known for dim sum and finance only.”

    “You’re double goodness, not half and half.”
    “I’ve never been told that. Maybe it’s too much. I have a big ego”

    He works in healthcare start up providing consolidated patient care. Working California hours.

    I ask him my favorite question, ‘what have you done lately to make yourself happy?’

    “You go first”
    “I just walked the han river, that was really cool.”
    “I came to the coworking space.”

    I excuse myself to start my work. Before wrapping up, a girl across from the desks comes over to introduce herself. “Hi, I am Rina. I just arrived from Japan.”

    She exports Japanese crafts overseas. Recently started working for government, a prerequisite to start a curated tourism business.

    We exchange Instagram handle, and I tell her she should visit Cape Town.
    “Wait, they speak English in South Africa?”
    “Yes!”
    “Then I will definitely come and visit”

    To the first sip I take, my heart jumps with joy. Almond ice latte, strong and smooth. My first café experience, as I sit here, arriving half hour too early before meeting my cousin. Write with words printed on the outside of my umbrella I just bought, onto these pages.

    As I look away from the laptop, the barista catches my eye. “Do you need anything?”

    “커피 너무 맛있어요! (This coffee tastes so good!)”
    “감사합니다” 활짝 웃으며 배꼽인사 해주신다.

    To my cousin for his generosity.
    I message him: Do you want coffee? Do you want to have lunch before we start? 커피 마실래? 점심 먹을래?
    Him: Just come up. 그냥 와.

    I’m grateful for my family for making time for me.
    I’m grateful for having work that keeps me engaged and accountable to work into the night. To have health stress to keep myself upright.
    Another perfect day wrapped in gratitude with sun spilling all over. The practice of finding joy wherever I go, whatever I do is paying off.

  • Day 37 – a perfect day

    Meditation Day 13 – 0
    Day 22.

    A perfect day.

    Why is it a perfect day? Waking up at 5am South African time, I feel at ease. Rested. I made no plans today and so, there is no one to see and nowhere to go. Well, I tried and nothing stuck, and that is exactly how it’s supposed to be. Thank you universe, for this day of empty beginnings.

    I use the umbrella adorned with hanja to run a quick errand that turns into an hour of walking and admiring empty streets. Taking local paths instead of the popular walkway. Surprised and pleased to see local restaurants, on the other side of the main tourist attraction. I would like to try a crab restaurant(간장게장 정식), but I’m still full from last night’s shared dinner of octopus, and fried chicken from the night before.

    Life is abundant. Always presenting us with infinite possibilities. Instead of filling empty shopping bags with things we’ll never use, I try to take a step back to think about what I want.

    How easy is it to gain weight, not listening to the body. Feeding more than necessary. The same can be said about the mind. Feeble attempt of 12 minutes the night before, but started again, I did. The more we feed without emptying, the more congested and uncomfortable we become.

    What do I like? Fresh fruits and vegetables. Wholesome meals. On my second day here, I bought a bag of Fuji apples, each fruit is the double the size of my first. It is my favorite snack, always in season. I do not desire to eat today, aside from this apple, that nourishes my body.

    I continue the analysis from yesterday, in the co-living and co-working space, where I do not feel rushed to order something off the menu to pay for my time here. The joy of fixed fee per day, with access to free coffee and snacks.

    Today, I enjoy the sensation of being empty. Letting the body rest from having to digest people, food and places. Enjoying the space to feel myself growing and moving on.

    On this path, walking slowly, covering myself with my favorite umbrella, feeling the rain splatter and splash onto my skin. Without rushing and going at my speed. Not looking at anyone or anything, just being with myself.

    To you, a perfect day of ease, I love you for giving me the space to slow down and rest.

  • Day 36 – Familiar

    Meditation Day 12 – 12 minutes
    Day 21

    I walked by the Hoppin House as I was leaving my favorite gluten free bakery last year. It is available this time around. They were able to find me a bed, by moving rooms few times. My first time getting my own place instead of staying at my Aunt’s. It feels better, this neighborhood. The space I have to myself. I know my way around this neighborhood. Comma cafe, Rabbit House. Holly. I like the vibe. Walkway next to a little creek, with shops all around.

    I am different this time around. Here for 12 days, planning get-togethers in advance. Working during South African hours, instead of walking aimlessly, as I did for five months during the sabbatical in Korea.

    I am comforted by the familiar space and comfort of a local bank account, apps that work, and friends and family I can connect with. The most perfect trip yet.

    I come downstairs from the third floor to the second floor. To eat an apple and write this love letter to familiarity.

    “Hi, my name is Andres, from Chile. I am working remotely for six months and need to find a new job because they are finally making me come back to the office. I will be in Japan in August.”

    He reminds me to be grateful for my remote work arrangement. That I could have flown over the 4-day weekend to work the 4 days, and do the same next week. I am happy to have work, and people to keep me accountable. To be grounded.

    What a day getting my face taken care of, more shopping, and dinner. I come back to continue to write and do work after.

    The external monitor doesn’t turn on. Andres is working his Chilean hours, and he wiggles the cable. “Muchas gracias”.

    Seoul, Korea. HongDae. The roads, the apps, the people. It is nice to be in a familiar and safe place. Yet, the sky looks different. Further away and I don’t know… familiar yet foreign.

    P.S. When you have someone cheering you on, it’s easier to cross the finish line.

  • Day 35 – Scheduled ahead

    Meditation Day 11 – I meditate for hours on the plane.

    I am flying across Asia right now.
    This post has been scheduled to be published today. The power of planning, to do what I like. And with this knowledge comes power to act. I know where I am going to be, and with who.

    And so, it makes my life better, this predictability. With structure comes the freedom to improvise.

    I love calendars, dates, times and time zones.

  • Day 34 – Airports

    Meditation Day 10 – 22 minutes
    Day 19

    The ride to the airport is fun. How many years has it been… since someone dropped me off or come to pick me up? The last time I came to this side of the airport, I was leaving for Korea on my sabbatical, thinking I was never coming back. This time around, I’m leaving for less than 13 days, with every intention of returning to my favorite city.

    Where are you going? Where are you coming from?

    At the immigration line, boy and girl play and run from their mom and dad. Same age, different gender and race. Both vying for their father’s attention, and they get it, in turns. Wearing mismatched crocks. One pair army green another rainbow unicorn. “Unscrew this pole”, says mom, as the girl hangs back too long. I wonder why the Immigration staff won’t let them in front of the line, something I have seen being done in the USA. Boy falls behind and starts crying, “You left me”. “We will never leave you behind, we love you.” says the mom as she pulls him close to her chest. And just like that, he’s okay again.

    “Where is your permanent residency certificate? You’re suppose to carry it.” The immigration official reminds me again. I’m sure to forget this.

    At Addis Ababa, I am parched. I want a smoothie. A restaurant sells it for $12. A shop sells a 500ml watermelon juice for $8. It’s the most expensive juice I’ve purchased in a while, worth every penny. I wish I brought some of my dollars. The sweet watermelon quenches my thirst, before boarding the full flight to Incheon.

    A man is sitting on the wrong window seat, having to move up forward. A heavy man who’s supposed to sit there yields the window seat to the grateful woman, leaving me unhappy. A big man, he asks if he can turn up the armrest. I say ‘no’. Funny, I just had this conversation with someone. Through the flight, I could feel our bodies touch, and I grab a exit card between us, craning my body towards the aisle seat. I sleep okay, having beef with rice instead. Not my favorite meals. I wish for salad or fruit.

    I land the next day, feeling too full. Third airport in the last 24 hours. After buying an e-sim, I walk over to the bus ticket office. A man wearing square glasses walk towards me, his silhouette and face reminding me of my late father. It often jars me, being back. Seeing familiar faces from strangers.

    I get on the bus, marveling at the best weather we’re having. It’s supposed to rain today, but it won’t. Only pouring on Tuesday, the day I’m supposed to work anyways, and I had no intention of leaving the co-living space.

    My tarot card on the day of leaving reminds me to move on and move forward. The choice is yours. Leave or be left behind.

  • Day 33 – Truth

    Meditation day 9 – 1 hour in the morning

    Here is to a full day of moving and enjoying the first day of the four-day weekend. I am grateful for having something to do, with someone I look forward to seeing. I am happy to greet another day in paradise, radiating 27 degrees.

    A day of adventures, starting with my favorite walk on the promenade, followed by a Truth coffee at the V&A. Strawberry cheesecake, minus the jam please. Walking back, checking out surf ski. I’d like to try it out when I’m back.

    Would you rather be a prince or a king? A prince without responsibilities?

    I’d rather be Queen, to rule and let others do the work. I shall decree and oversee, with poise and confidence.

    Zebra crossing is where you’re supposed to cross, when the green man flashes. Why do we wait, I wonder. It’s not a busy street and it’s not busy. Jay walking is bad! Quizzical look on my face. I find the newfound difference fun and want to play. I jaywalk. I walk outside the zebra crossing. I run towards the crosswalk when it blinks green.

    Time to nourish, go back to where I began the journey back to opening up my heart center. Then to the place where it all began, to start another chapter. Walking barefoot with the wide white hat. Look over there, a pathway to a small island. The two currents come from opposite sides, colliding in the middle, like the peak of a mountain. People walk on, and I wish I could join them, despite the toes screaming to get out, it’s freezing here.

    Time for water, back to where we got our first bottles of water just two months ago. How time flies, but I don’t want it to hop. I want to live in the moment, right here. Right now. Looking out into the horizon, I smile at no one in particular, but the chef thinks I’m being friendly. And so, I get a plate of two rice rolls with a crunchy top. I was not hungry but I am happy to sample. His son has his eyes. An asian man, fellow Korean who’s been here for 21 year. 안녕하세요? 네. 안녕하세요. Then back to the car, then to the market for a pizza.

    We look at a bottle of water, capacity 500ml. I am almost full with too much work, and I only have space to pour in just a little bit for me, and nothing else.

    Why don’t we get a different container? How about that pot over there, about 100 times bigger than the plastic bottle?

    I go home, with the every intention of washing up and meditating to close the day. I lay in bed for a little while. I wake up the next morning, unwashed but refreshed.

    This is a love letter to retracing the steps with a fresh set of eyes. And with this new perspective, not only do I feel differently, but I can see better. ore clear than before, the mist lifting.

    To love is to show up and participate.

    I am catching up today, for tomorrow. My order number is 33.

  • Day 32 – porcupine

    Meditation Day 8 – 37 minutes
    Day 17

    I am the first to park, curiously staring at the road barrier on the way up to Signal Hill. Will I my break my record this morning? Using the moonlight, I start up the path, not in a hurry, no one to pass. My first time having the mountain to myself. I’m excited.

    My senses are acute, as I step my feet in front of other. More than halfway up, I hear something move. I freeze. What is that? Suddenly, I wish for people. I take out my phone. Brown bush scurry forward, just ten meters in front of me. What was that? I am frozen still. Something doesn’t feel right. Flashlight from the phone doesn’t illuminate anything else. My eyes look for baboons or mountain cat. I take out the headlamp from the orange crossbody and click it thrice. My left hand holds the phone up, with my right the headlamp. A set of eyes glimmer in silver. Shape of a porcupine emerges all of its quills standing up, just to the right of the trail.

    We are frozen in place. Is it seconds or a minute? It moves up the hill, away from the path, making noise as it goes. I stand there, wondering what to do. What is the universe trying to show me? Deity of Lion’s Head, what lessons are you presenting me with?

    I’m more than halfway there, only 12 minutes to the summit.

    I pause. I had tripped once, catching my body with two open palms kissing the ground.

    A lesson I learned on this same mountain. Expect to fall and be ready to catch yourself. Every step is different, and we’ll trip when we least expect it.

    Not just one. But two porcupines. The first one ran up the path, and another froze. I guess I wasn’t the first or the only one after all. Just because I can’t see them does not mean they don’t exist. During the night, while we humans sleep, these animals use the same paths as us, easier to travel on. Like the paved roads vs. dirt paths. What dangers lie ahead? What should I do?

    I decide to turn back, placing the headlamp on my head. I can see just fine, thanks to the moonlight. On to warn other beings of my presence. I probably scared the porcupine more than it scared me. Or were we equally petried, not expecting to encounter such strange creatures?

    Five minutes later, I see a couple going up. Another ten minutes, a larger tour group. I come home to shower, meditate, hang up laundry and write this love letter to my quill friend up on Lion’s Head.

    What does it mean to see a porcupine? We need to balance security with freedom. How do we defend yourself when needing to stand your ground with grace and dignity?
    Setting boundaries and protecting my energy. But also staying curious to see that when someone gives you a sign to back off, do so respectfully.

    Thank you for teaching me that sometimes, we have to turn back. Let our presence be known. Show ourselves, even in solitude, safely contained in our quill of protection. Stay soft inside, protect yourself if needed. Respect others boundary and spaces too.

    My first time seeing wild porcupine, under the light of moon.

    Epilogue.

    I walk along the promenade to have breakfast on the other side of Sea Point. The last few days, I’ve been eating too late into the day, hunger growing out of control.

    I notice a pair of ladies walking in front; something feels off. I pass them on their right, and I am next to the sea rail. As I walk fast (as I do), I see one of their shadows lurking just behind me. Why are they walking so close to me, and so fast? I’m a fast walker and most people can’t keep up.

    I feel something on my left jeans pocket, where my phone is. Screaming, I turn around, and meet the black lady face. “What are you doing?”

    ‘Nothing’

    “What the…!”

    ‘I didn’t do anything.’

    “Yeah right, you just tried to steal my phone!”, I wag my right index finger at her face. I keep turning around, making eye contact. Making a scene.

    It’s like earlier at Lion’s Head. The gut instinct signaling something out of place. Next time, I will respond faster. I should have turned around as soon as I noticed her shadow just behind me. It doesn’t make sense for a complete stranger to walk so close to me, 08:30 in the morning.

    So the sign from the universe… the porcupine… was a prelude to what just happened.

    Thank you for the warning signs. My phone is still with me, at Kleinsky’s. What a delicious breakfast! Coffee, meh.

  • Day 31 – turn on the heat

    Meditation day 7 – 1 hour with the rising sun. 1 hour with the night.
    Day 16?

    You cannot boil water if you continue to turn off the flame.

    And so, I decided to continue to keep the water warm. Soon enough, the heat will rise to 100 degrees celcius. Thereafter, I will continue to add the sensible heat, to become superheated. Reaching critical point. Changing state from liquid to gas, and beyond. Yesterday, I meditated for two hours. This morning, for one hour.

    Tuesday walk on a Wednesday with Georgie. Ten years ago, you answered a Gumtree ad for a flatmate in Morningside. You came over and checked out my place. “I don’t want to live with you but I think we can be friends.” Finding each other in similar cities and places, you’ve been a caring and considerate friend. Inviting me to your family’s home for Christmas Olympics. Driving me back from the hospital after surgery. Checking out my current place as if it were your own.

    You tell me about a podcast you recently listened to. Diary of a CEO. I like how calm he is, you say.

    Steve Bartlett? Me too.

    Which podcast?

    Martha Beck.

    Of course. I listened to her, and she’s the one who got me started on the importance of telling no more lies.

    Then you tell me how you found it fastinating. What in particular, I ask. The need to create. Disconnect from the mind to create with your body. Go back to senses. I nod in understanding. I remind her.

    You’ve always been creative. You’re the one who recommended that I take a painting class. To feel the different textures of plants. Walk barefoot on soft green grass. You are the embodiment of creativity.

    Ha, I didn’t realize that.

    This is why we need to have lifelong witnesses of our lives. I keep my little sister updated in what’s happening with me, even if I don’t need her counsel. So that she can be on the same journey with me. If I go astray, she’ll yell at me to get back on my path. This isn’t you, she’ll tell me. You have gone too far. You have not done enough. Or you’ve done enough. I’m proud of you. I see how you are growing.

    But don’t you find it’s hard to stay in touch with everyone?

    Sure.

    Especially in Sea Point, where everyone is always visiting?

    Yes. As long as we are intentional, I think we can stay in touch. We make time for what matters. I want to live a deliberate and intentional life. I choose to continue to keep the flame of our friendship going.

    Georgie is the one who told me to go back to my monkey ways. Hang on the bar as long as you can. Yesterday, I held on for 90 seconds. Today, you show me the upside hang. You’re so fun. Super light.

    Thanks for my cup of coffee from Bootleggers. XS. Without looking at the letters, one may mistake the word for excess. We are tiny in frame, strolling along the promenade, hanging out like monkeys, sipping our coffees.

    Thanks for being my friend. With you, my life is bouncier.

    And like that, day 31 is done. Another prime number.

    The critical point is the temperature and pressure where the liquid and gas phases of a substance become indistinguishable.