emptybeginnings

  • Day 76 – Priority matrix

    Meditation 50 –
    Exercise 58 –

    To setting priorities based on importance and urgency using The Eisenhower matrix helps to prioritize, starting with Do first today or tomorrow the latest. This cannot be delayed.

  • 72 – Power of Vulnerability

    Meditation 46 – 0
    Exercise 54

    To the power of vulnerability. To sharing openly and honestly, without guarding or protecting egos. To my friend who called to share with me what was happening. Me, having the space and her trust to help her see realities… instead of her relying on ChatGPT to guide her through the process.

    The same took place for me earlier today. Or is it later?

    I’ve been struggling with the failure to launch. Ruminating. Wondering why I don’t fire as fast and or far. Not delivering and adding value the way I am used to.

    She tells me she is lonely.

    This surprises me, as she’s with her partner traveling. They live together. She has a pet.

    And this also provides comfort. To know that I’m not alone. No, it’s not that. It validates what I know. Getting a pet or partner will not change how I feel. The fact that I need to define a new purpose and direction. Because someone at my age would be spent raising a family and rearing children. Therefore, I find myself living the same life without change. The same old.

    It is 2am, and I just pumped out two presentation decks for tomorrow. Late, but good content.

    I feel better. Thank you for taking the time to call.

  • Day 72 – Morning routines

    Meditation 45 – 30 minutes
    Exercise 53

    Mind a flutters. So much to do and I’ve left myself little time. The stress I create for myself. White rabbit, checking for time, yelling, “I’m late, I’m late!”

    After 30 minute meditation, I rise. Gentle and warm water falls on my back and I utter “I’m so happy”. Pumping shampoo twice on my left hand. Clear and pink gel, I rub onto to the top of scalp, both hands rubbing gently, mixing a bit of water to create foam. Tips of my fingers gently massage scalp, before feeling the water rush over me. Another two pumps onto my left palm, with conditioner on the bottom of my head. Feeling the glossy liquid softening every follicle and strand.

    This time, I pump the body wash. Not enough soap, so I uncap the top to add a bit of water, before closing and shaking it a bit. Onto the red body towel, I squeeze the bottle, and I scrub. Holding it on my right hand, I start with my left forearm, ending with my back.

    As water washes away all the soap and scum, I exhale. How good does it feel to feel the body cleanse against the soft and warm shower that hits every pore and surface of my being?

    It is not even 5am, and so I use three towels to dry. Being considerate not to wake up my neighbors.

    I put on a green dress, feeling the fabric sway as I climb the three flights of stairs. I feel a small joy.

    On the promenade, I feel hesitant with the darkness. I used to be afraid of ghosts. I spend my days in the shadow, relying on candles and incense when night comes. But I am now aware of people’s indelible intentions lurking in the dark.

    As I cross to the other side, a woman wearing a bouquet, donning a backpack and a set of jacket greets me, “good morning”, surprising me. A man is sitting up on the grass, getting up for the day, folding his blanket. I cross the brick road to walk alongside the sea wall, waves crashing.

    Two men walk alone. One woman runner. Few more, and a pair running alongside. Few are out and about. A tall man runs past, breathing hard as he sprints.

    Sea foam clings to the sea wall, reminiscent of recent crash from the night before. Just past the rhino, a long line of waves form; white foam against the edge, illuminating the horizon. This body of water, crashing against jagged edges, how far have you traveled? Where do you come from? I wouldn’t have noticed the water had it not crashed and broken against the surface. And so, I wonder. Life’s challenges and obstacles are like these rocks. We are the water. It’s only during these times our true nature is revealed. Do we crumble under pressure, or do we rise to the occasion? I feel as if. No, I have been feeling the pressure, with me crumbling into inedible crumbs of a cookie I no longer crave. Shapes and size of my being not clear in my own mind.

    My senses heighten, listening for every sound. Scanning for danger, not wanting to expose myself to stray strangers. Turning my head to my right, I see a man running past.

    This love letter goes out to early mornings. Little routines and habit leading to the promenade, onto this cafe, with my body exhaling and relaxing, with the every intention of finishing the long overdue and important.

    Has it already been 72 days?

  • Day 71 – I’m not a fan of mediocrity

    Meditation 44 – 50 minutes
    Exercise 52

    A late morning. Meditation. I remember again. If I continue to sit consistently, the mind doesn’t wander as much. It doesn’t complain. I can surpass the clock time, into a state of suspension. In peace and acceptance. I can feel my upper back. The sensations pulse through my body, even when I am not meditating.

    A homeless man sleeps on the bench, unaware of his surroundings. It’s another busy day on the promenade. A tall man with the smallest dog. A little girl wearing a princess outfit on her scooter. Another one looking like a unicorn on her tricycle as her mom waves back at her. A couple wearing matching white t-shirts.

    Lunch breakfast at the Kanela Cafe, sharing space with The Greek Fisherman. A group of three young ladies to my right talk about one’s upcoming trip to Portugal.

    After setting up meetings, aligning on team’s deliverables and cleaning up a file, two hours have passed. I pack up my bags to head over to Starbucks. I don’t know how this place makes money. You don’t need to order anything to hang out here. They open till late, and I will be here until I’m done with my long over-due analysis.

    As I sit here, after finalizing Boston stays with the two boy cousins, I wonder. What is consciousness? What does it mean to be unconscious?

    Homeless sleeping their lives away, with no willful actions. Begging children on the sides of street. I stick to my guidelines of do not engage street people. Deliberately protecting my space to enjoy myself as I walk around my neighborhood.

    To be unconscious doesn’t mean to sleep. It doesn’t mean immobility. Because even if you are asleep, with the body motionless, the body still feels and remembers everything. Just because you are ‘seen’ to be unconscious doesn’t mean you can do anything with or to the body. For as long as the body is alive, it will feel and remember everything, even in vegetative state. And so, what they say about your body being the most important temple rings true.

    To be unconscious is to live a life without clear intent. Blowing as the wind directs you, like a rudderless sail and missing captain. Like the beggar. Like how I used to live. Doing the best of what is given to me.

    What does it mean to move from healing to living? Growing as we go on. I am done with healing. What is past is past. I want to move on. I am moving on.

    I wonder if it’s as simple and impossible as sticking to routines that work for us. Like waking up early and meditating. Going for a walk right after, if working from home. Leaving home, to have something to come back to. A sanctuary instead of a self-imprisoned cell. Like last week, I didn’t leave for two days and felt the aftermath on my total being. Utterly depressed, questioning all of my life’s choices. When returning home, washing and brushing, going straight to sleep. Don’t stop and see what’s in the fridge. Message from friends. Emails. Because I don’t care. There is nothing in my life that cannot wait until tomorrow. I am not a doctor. I’m not a parent. I am responsible for myself.

    Euphoria and elation is the opposite of depression. This, I feel often. So is it only normal to feel depressed after? Am I too happy? Depression is just the other side of the equation? Like a seesaw with me on both sides. One is light and the other darkness?

    Here is to living a more conscious life full of deliberations and intentions into everything we do. Being clear of not just our actions, but inactions and procrastinations that take away choices.

  • Day 70 – Kasteelpoort

    Meditation 43 – 50 minutes
    Exercise 51

    It’ll be another warm day, as we have plans to explore the city of Cape Town. We are not doing the shipwreck hike due to safety concerns. Why is it that we’re more careful when we are responsible for another’s well-being? It’s a good thing.

    We have breakfast. Warm and gentle breeze greet us at the bottom of Table Mountain. Wind picks up and my hair whips everywhere, I use the scrunchie to tie it too tight and it breaks. He tries to tie it for me, and offers me his hat. I find a way to make it work and we climb on. The wind is fierce on the last set of stairs, causing the mouth to be parched. Having to balance the body upright, the wind trying to knock us down. We climb on like goats, without dawdle.

    Atop, there are two reservoirs of waters, and a museum commemorating the build effort from one hundred years ago.

    Grateful and delighted to share carefully packed snacks. Thank you for the gluten free lunch bar. A cute ball of fruit snack, which I’m surprised with your speed of consumption. A banana and water. It’s perfect.

    If you didn’t know where you came from and didn’t go too far, you would never know there is a world below Table Mountain. So vast and wide. Shielded from the wind, I wonder how many wild life you will see in the night.

    On this trail, I see and hear local South Africans, a delight and departure from the foreigners I encounter on Lion’s Head. A small world, still. I recognize a man from Workshop 17.

    On the way down, I see a blood, and I offer one of the two napkins I grabbed from Bootleggers earlier. Instead of wiping away the blood, he blows his nose. He is incredulous that I didn’t offer the tissue when he was complaining about it politely earlier. I sit to laugh out loud. Why didn’t you ask for it earlier, I ask. Later, I would tell him to be more specific to exponentially increase his odds of getting what he wants.

    Health app counts 22k steps.

    Zuney Wagyu burger joint in Gardens is not as good as I expected. Non-sequitur. Not even better than Hudson’s. A complete let down. So far, I rate Stud burger above Brash in Sea Point. Curious to try out the final place: Only Fools. We down a Fanta Orange and Fanta Grape. Then Coke. Then sparkling water. I prefer sparkling water over sugary pop despite the child in me going back to the familiar.

    We go our separate ways. What a wonderful day of exercise, conversations and intentional listening. The daylight finishes with cheeseburger and fries with Fanta orange and coke.

    I stay up late sewing two ends of the green fabric I bought in Ghana in 2015. Ten years later, what used to live on the bottom of the drawer covers futon facing Lion’s Head. It took me three hours, breaking two small needles and poking my left index finger few times

    This love letter goes to finding what we’ve been hiding and putting ourselves out there. Being honest and truthful, not holding back. Not restraining, and lettings things come out as they unfold. To continuing to climb and finding out way down, with few scratches and wind-blown hair.

    PS. Happy birthday to a dear friend who is overseas. I love you.

  • Day 69 – Butterflies

    Meditation – 0
    Exercise 50

    To the butterfly I saw on top of Lion’s Head. Sitting just two meters away from me, on a rock facing west.

    I am sitting, the sweat cooling me down after attempting to to beat my personal best ascent of 32 minutes. Missing it by one minute. Doing it without someone behind me and overtaking me.

    On the way down, a man who had a strong start says he saw me going up. Would I mind taking a photo for him?

    Of course, I don’t mind.

    I take a few from the angle, but I choose another one to see his face. Almost falling on my face, but I don’t. The body feeling for gravity and somehow knowing how to balance. Because of the momentary pause, my body cools down too quickly, and I start sneezing.

    A sign of exhaustion and frigidity. I almost didn’t bring an extra layer of top, gloves and beanie. After these layers, body stops rebelling, I continue the descent as slowly as I can, careful not to hurt myself. This time, I don’t feel any pins or needles on my knees, from too much pressure and obtuse angles.

    As I get inside my car, I shed the layers and turn on the heat. Sneezing still, the body needing to go home to rest.

    To two butterflies. The one flutters up to join with another butterfly. The pair of them spiral up together. Flapping their wings as if dancing and embracing each other in perfect synchronicity.

    Thanks for reminding me the importance of transformation. Nothing is ever still. That it’s better to fly as a pair.

    They say the spiritual meaning of seeing orange butterflies flying together, spiraling each other as they go up mean joy and spontaneity. Transformation and togetherness. A good omen. I only see good omens.

  • Day 68 – evolution

    Meditation 41 – 0
    Exercise 49

    To Korean Drama, Because this is my first life or 이번생은 처음이라.

    This is the first Korean drama that defies past stereotypes and honest dialogues without additional fanfare and dramatization. Like, when a woman falls and the man appears out of nowhere to catch her. The sudden swooping of romantic gestures and motions.

    No, this one feels honest. They enter into a contracted marriage (tested, tried and exhausted scene). Between two regular folks, with one not overly rich, and woman not dying of terminal illness. A marriage based on her need for a room without a large deposit, him to help with expenses, his cat and recycling. Such a basic plot, with characters repeating and acknowledging one another. There is honesty and humility with every act. When the protagonist narrates, “every love is pure and true. But when they come together, they take different shapes and turn ugly” when looking at the husband’s father who made him separate from his ex girlfriend. His love for her. Her love for him. Everything is valid. Validity of feelings don’t take away the impact of reality, however.

    A couple who’s been together for seven years full of love and joy break up. Dating and marrying are different, and he doesn’t have the means to provide for her in the way she needs him to. He is barely responsible for himself. Immature and not ready to create a life. Not honoring his commitment to deposit KRW500,000 towards their future. She was consistent in her efforts, and he never honored his promise. While they had loving and sweet time together, they were never building together. One insuffient to make up for another’s slack.

    Another couple. A woman who is seen and appreciated by her friend’s contracted husband’s best friend. “You never stood your ground against the world. using your mother as an excuse. Getting mad and starting a fight. Once you get up the courage to do so, I will be at your side. Being with you is like being with pointy objects, but with me, I can feel you getting rounder and softer. So while it pains me, I am happy to be with you. I am so happy with you!”

    This, after she recants her reality. “You think your parents will let you marry me? I have to take care of my crippled mother for the rest of my life, and I don’t even know who my father is. Do you think the society will let us live happily after? Don’t be nice to me. I’m going to start leaning on you.”

    The ways in which we see ourselves, relationships and situations, with honesty and sincerity. As portrayed in the drama shows the evolution of Korean dramas. The value of having the younger and up and coming generations re-write the narrative of, what comes to my mind is abundance.

    I’ve learned about myself and the society around me. Also learning that watching series and online scrolling is part of life. Something I try to distance myself away from. The all or nothing. The balance… the elusive fulcrum that continues to move.

    Here is to evolving and re-writing the narrative. Widening the keyhole lens from which to view the world.

  • Day 67

    Meditation 40 – 50 minutes
    Exercise 48

    After a good morning work, I put on black stockings. I have on a green dress with lining. Socks and pink and black rainboots from Korea. Grey beanie on my head, Kim Young Joo rain coat on. It’s drizzling a bit and it feels good to be out, wearing my new outfit. I pick out a chocolate muffin and everything bagel from the Gluten Free before heading home.

    I surprise myself with my strength. Rowing 10km in 47 minutes, after not working out for few days. The excess calories I’m not used to consuming act as fuel. I stop for only few minutes to fix my shoes and laces. I notice a technique I had overlooked previously. If I don’t transfer the weight from my legs to my arms through the entire body, instead of transferring too fast, my hips take the burden, as the pvot point. Noted.

    Good thing I pushed out a call with a skip report by half hour. I shower and get dressed before jumping on a call.

    He joined us five months to fill for a maternity cover, and his contract comes to an end next month. There are few open positiions in a department where I have few contacts. So I ask him for his interests and offer to put in a good word for him. He told me the job we offered him made a tremendous difference. Laid off by his job and his ex-girlfriend, he had nowhere to go go. Doing work, having a place to come in, he said has made a positive difference in his life. I forward his resume and application through. All the best. I hope you come to live during the interview.

    I know what you are thinking. I have the same thought. What kind of love letters are these? They read like journal entries. I agree.

    This is a tough week spiritually. The Assistant Teacher told me not to sit through the full hour without moving if it’s becomes too painful. Why, I asked. Because past Sankharas and pain may prove to be too disturbing. At centres like these, you’re in the right environment, and you don’t have to go out and deal with the real world. At such states, you’ll be in great conflict, and too much to bear. I heard him then. I hear and experience this now. But it is what it is. The journey I must go through. To see what I need to see and feel.

    What I have been feeling has been regret, seeing I’ve been in the wasted and stumbling quadrants without clear strategy.

    The Impact Matrix: Moving to the golden quadrant

  • Day 66 – 4am

    Meditation Day 39 – 51 minutes
    Exercise 47

    To routines that work for me. Get up at 4am. 50 minute Vipassana meditation. Birds chirp. More cars pass. Before the alarm, I know I’m done with the morning sit. Stretch. Write in my journal. Love letter for one hundred days. Boil water. Likely a cup of coffee and or tea with honey.

    Watch the darkness lift into the light of day. It is 05:25am as I write these words.

    Today was made by yesterday’s actions. I went to sleep, after putting down my device at 09:30pm. Coming home and washing immediately. Putting on PJs and scanning the body before, under soft Egyptian cotton duvet, feeling the weight of my body, molding into the shape of my being.

    Awake before the alarm clock. Five minute passes before meditation as I look for the silent recording. How quickly time passes – I forget. Remnant of the past sabbatical where I lost a sense of clock time. As well as me not wanting to live by clock time. Maybe this was disillusionment, and I would like to find a better balance.

    As my breath becomes labored and legs cramp, I open my eyes. 51 minutes have passed, and I know I was about to enter the state the previous AT told me to avoid. Too much surfacing in non-center could be harmful to the meditator. Maybe something I can do during a one-day sit or weekend, but not on a week day.

    I open the patio door and the window to my bedroom. To let go the yesterday and welcome today in. Clean air, in the midst of deep slumber. A safeguard against uninvited smoke of marijuana or cigarettes.

    I light the red candle, cradled by Buddha. One of few items I kept when I got rid of everything.

    Know thyself. I have the tendency to want to blend in. To not stand out, but not necessarily fit in. Difficult to do when I have so many questions. I’ve grown accustomed to being the best or smartest in the room. Meaning, I’ve outgrown these people and places, and I cannot learn from them. I was afraid of leaving people behind. So I decided to be left behind. Because you can either leave people behind or be left behind.

    Two choices. They are both active and requires massive action to cross the chasm or fight the internal urge to do what is best for self. It may seem easier to stay, as the biggest fish in the small pool of water drying up. The greatest being wants to come out and live out its potential. Wanting to convert itself into kinetic energy of motion and movement.

    I am not unique. This applies to everyone. Perhaps this is why we need uninterrupted time. To dig deep within ourselves to meet the uniqueness of our being, lighting up by doing what we love. Isn’t this why we doom scroll and look for dopamine hits? So we can avoid ourselves. To shield ourselves from the truth staring back at us?

    Not tiptoing around the edge and seeing how we can please and not ruffle anyone’s feathers. Like the water’s surface first thing in the morning. Like glass, letting us glide across, stream gently forming on the bottom of the fiberglass surface. And on this lake, we dip our oars in unison, pulling together, moving forward, yet we cannot see where we’re going because only the coxswain can see and steer our boat. We trust our leader and focus on our strokes and postures. Who is the coxswain of my being? The gentle and thoughtful soul with words pouring out of its heart. Sketching, filling in and coloring the world with pictures I see.

    Making connections faster and in the most unlikely places? Feeling the pulsations of this world in the depth of my skin and heart.

    This morning, I let go of restraints and the critic inside. I write what comes to mind. Hearing small taps dance across the black keyboard. And this, by itself. Gives me immense joy. Not happiness. Not contentment. Joy of being alive. Doing what comes naturally to me. Living my values of being open and honest. Knowing and living the power of vulnerability.

    Only I can hurt myself. Put myself in harm’s way. The biggest sin is restraint. Holding myself back from what excites me. Chasing discomfort. Doing the work that matters. Keeping my promises, even the littlest ones. Getting on top of my admin. Because to get things done and get eveyrone on the same page, it requires clear vision, plan and intent. They say it takes massive action. I say it takes silence and sitting with self, without interruption and external forces. Because I believe every one of us have good in all of us. Unique talents and abilities waiting to be unleashed. I say it takes self-reflection, discipline and the right environment.

    What I lack is the right environment with people who are better than me in terms of their skillset and consistency in their efforts. To challenge and grow me. My personal responsibility. I achieved my personal best ascent of 32 minutes up Lion’s Head because a lady passed me. The competitive spirit inside wanted to overtake her (I couldn’t), but I shaved 32 minutes from my previous 34.

    Musings of my early morning, creating map of myself into my soul.

    All thanks to going to sleep early and waking up early. Before getting ready to go for a morning walk with Georgie. I used to believe our actions alone don’t define us. I was wrong. That is the only thing that defines us.

    I am grateful to kick off day 1 of healthy morning routine.

    To routines and self-care that works for me. I hope you have something that works for you. I hope you stick to what keeps you alive and come to life. Yesterday, I felt alone. I wished for someone to come over. Hold me. Make me something warm to drink. Sadness I hadn’t felt for awhile. And so, I held myself and bought a nice jar of Yuja tea from Korea. I willed myself to go for a walk and attend the Salsa class with strangers, the steps and moves that feels more familiar. Deep inside, I know how many people love and appreciate me. Their lives are better because I’m in it.

    I hope you know how much you are loved even at your darkest and most alone moments. How do I know? Because I’ve been there. I found myself there yesterday. And today, here I am.

    It is 05:53am.

  • Day 65 – Community

    Meditation Day 38 – 1 hour with tears
    Exercise 46

    So much to write about. What is the focus of the day? To feeling and acknowledging. Not wallowing in the tears and crying for hours. Accepting what I am feeling and finding mechanisms to move on from it.

    An hour of meditation using the Dhamma.org audio that is now accessible… Thanks to Shivani pointing out that I’ve been using the incorrect app for years. Funny how we don’t know what we don’t know until the one who knows points them out. Tears and revelations lead to additional discomfort.

    The misery is lifted after rowing for 47:29 minutes or 10km. Though I haven’t been consistent, I can feel my strength and endurance pulling the handle at average split of 2:21. Stopping only thrice to sip water and clear my nose. It may have been my personal best.

    And so, after the exercise, I feel better. I can look back on yesterday of exciting events. To volunteering a half-Sangha Vipassana meditation for new and old students who showed up for the last sitting. Having 8 people meditate, share a meal and clean up before departing for the evening. The first two sits, I felt dejected and disappointed. Only Shivani and me finding ourselves in the hall. How the crowd changed everything. The sense of community and camaraderie lifted my mood. Yes, I have to work on being equinamous, but I am also being open and honest.

    I go home to rest, after a full day of activities and people.

    Learning that I am at my best when outdoors, doing stuff, learning new skills, being with people that are interested in improving and developing themselves with kindness and patience. This is me, and this is me at my best.

    The love letter goes to all 8 people who showed up yesterday, as promised on time and in great spirits.

    Thank you for enriching my life and being a positive influence in my life.