Last night’s meditations 38 minutes, this morning full hour.
4am wake up.
It is still dry outside, rain expected to pour in 90 minutes.
Three days in a row of morning meditations. Two days of evenings. Going to sleep early increases odds of early mornings.
Last night, colleague and friend calls and we speak for an hour, him trying to help troubleshoot an issue with my phone. I tell him about people challenges and he shares how he used to be like the new manager that I just hired.
Speaking to him, I see how these people challenges don’t stress me. Having to pivot my interactions with the new line and everyone else around him. A fault I am working to correct. Giving people too much credit too soon and unsubstantiated. I hired him knowing that he lacked people and project management experience. A young guy, 10 years my junior. An individual contributer and not a getting things doner. And so, we’ll set up everything like a program, into projects, and into smaller deliverables. I wonder out loud why I don’t keep this way of working.
Because it takes a lot more energy and time from me, and it creates friction on the team, as this way of working is unnatural to them. Driving accountability. Rejecting multiple drafts. Do it again. And again and again. My old boss used to reject past 100 versions until she was happy. I’m used to it, but I cannot imagine this being ok with the general population.
What does this show me? That I’ve been doing this for eleven years, this people and portfolio management, and I’m rather experienced. Line management is not something you can go to school for, and learn about. It comes from experience, and maybe the biggest skill is listening.
And because of the gap, I find myself exercising my management and leadership muscles, filled with renewed purpose I’ve been lacking.
My beliefs? Anything is possible. Accountabiity and showing up trumps intentions and ideas. Keeping promises and holding ourselves to the highest standards. You say I’m hard on myself. If I am not hard on myself, how can I improve? Yet, when I was falling sleep few nights ago, I find compassion, the self barraging remarks restrained and barely a whisper. Acknowledge what did not happen instead of uttering, “I can’t believe you did that”
Years ago, playing Cards against humanity, a game I dislike. Someone joked that Heaven is full of Jobs. Jobs give us a sense of purpose. A level of stress and engagements. We have no choice but to go to work to earn the pay that came in this morning (thank you, payroll god). We have no choice but to attend meetings and speak to people we dislike. This is where I learned to have necessary conversations instead of trying to keep the peace (this tendency rears its head still). It forces us to round off our edges, once mistaken ourselves as stars, becoming an irregular circle. Rounder and shinier, with fewer ragged edges.
And so, the love letter is dedicated to my job. My title. My portfolio. My company. My team that forces me to see the truth and where I need to step in. The job that forces me to get up early to meditate, go for a walk, and look presentable so that I can be at my best and provide value to our business. Because I respect my job, my business, and what we do. Because we are in symbiosis. Without the job, I become aimless. Without me, the company will function just fine, I know. But I know I am adding value, and I’m grateful for the little stressors and people that sand paper me down to the shiny torquiose pebble I like to pick up, while walking on sand.