Meditation Day 39 – 51 minutes
Exercise 47
To routines that work for me. Get up at 4am. 50 minute Vipassana meditation. Birds chirp. More cars pass. Before the alarm, I know I’m done with the morning sit. Stretch. Write in my journal. Love letter for one hundred days. Boil water. Likely a cup of coffee and or tea with honey.
Watch the darkness lift into the light of day. It is 05:25am as I write these words.
Today was made by yesterday’s actions. I went to sleep, after putting down my device at 09:30pm. Coming home and washing immediately. Putting on PJs and scanning the body before, under soft Egyptian cotton duvet, feeling the weight of my body, molding into the shape of my being.
Awake before the alarm clock. Five minute passes before meditation as I look for the silent recording. How quickly time passes – I forget. Remnant of the past sabbatical where I lost a sense of clock time. As well as me not wanting to live by clock time. Maybe this was disillusionment, and I would like to find a better balance.
As my breath becomes labored and legs cramp, I open my eyes. 51 minutes have passed, and I know I was about to enter the state the previous AT told me to avoid. Too much surfacing in non-center could be harmful to the meditator. Maybe something I can do during a one-day sit or weekend, but not on a week day.
I open the patio door and the window to my bedroom. To let go the yesterday and welcome today in. Clean air, in the midst of deep slumber. A safeguard against uninvited smoke of marijuana or cigarettes.
I light the red candle, cradled by Buddha. One of few items I kept when I got rid of everything.
Know thyself. I have the tendency to want to blend in. To not stand out, but not necessarily fit in. Difficult to do when I have so many questions. I’ve grown accustomed to being the best or smartest in the room. Meaning, I’ve outgrown these people and places, and I cannot learn from them. I was afraid of leaving people behind. So I decided to be left behind. Because you can either leave people behind or be left behind.
Two choices. They are both active and requires massive action to cross the chasm or fight the internal urge to do what is best for self. It may seem easier to stay, as the biggest fish in the small pool of water drying up. The greatest being wants to come out and live out its potential. Wanting to convert itself into kinetic energy of motion and movement.
I am not unique. This applies to everyone. Perhaps this is why we need uninterrupted time. To dig deep within ourselves to meet the uniqueness of our being, lighting up by doing what we love. Isn’t this why we doom scroll and look for dopamine hits? So we can avoid ourselves. To shield ourselves from the truth staring back at us?
Not tiptoing around the edge and seeing how we can please and not ruffle anyone’s feathers. Like the water’s surface first thing in the morning. Like glass, letting us glide across, stream gently forming on the bottom of the fiberglass surface. And on this lake, we dip our oars in unison, pulling together, moving forward, yet we cannot see where we’re going because only the coxswain can see and steer our boat. We trust our leader and focus on our strokes and postures. Who is the coxswain of my being? The gentle and thoughtful soul with words pouring out of its heart. Sketching, filling in and coloring the world with pictures I see.
Making connections faster and in the most unlikely places? Feeling the pulsations of this world in the depth of my skin and heart.
This morning, I let go of restraints and the critic inside. I write what comes to mind. Hearing small taps dance across the black keyboard. And this, by itself. Gives me immense joy. Not happiness. Not contentment. Joy of being alive. Doing what comes naturally to me. Living my values of being open and honest. Knowing and living the power of vulnerability.
Only I can hurt myself. Put myself in harm’s way. The biggest sin is restraint. Holding myself back from what excites me. Chasing discomfort. Doing the work that matters. Keeping my promises, even the littlest ones. Getting on top of my admin. Because to get things done and get eveyrone on the same page, it requires clear vision, plan and intent. They say it takes massive action. I say it takes silence and sitting with self, without interruption and external forces. Because I believe every one of us have good in all of us. Unique talents and abilities waiting to be unleashed. I say it takes self-reflection, discipline and the right environment.
What I lack is the right environment with people who are better than me in terms of their skillset and consistency in their efforts. To challenge and grow me. My personal responsibility. I achieved my personal best ascent of 32 minutes up Lion’s Head because a lady passed me. The competitive spirit inside wanted to overtake her (I couldn’t), but I shaved 32 minutes from my previous 34.
Musings of my early morning, creating map of myself into my soul.
All thanks to going to sleep early and waking up early. Before getting ready to go for a morning walk with Georgie. I used to believe our actions alone don’t define us. I was wrong. That is the only thing that defines us.
I am grateful to kick off day 1 of healthy morning routine.
To routines and self-care that works for me. I hope you have something that works for you. I hope you stick to what keeps you alive and come to life. Yesterday, I felt alone. I wished for someone to come over. Hold me. Make me something warm to drink. Sadness I hadn’t felt for awhile. And so, I held myself and bought a nice jar of Yuja tea from Korea. I willed myself to go for a walk and attend the Salsa class with strangers, the steps and moves that feels more familiar. Deep inside, I know how many people love and appreciate me. Their lives are better because I’m in it.
I hope you know how much you are loved even at your darkest and most alone moments. How do I know? Because I’ve been there. I found myself there yesterday. And today, here I am.
It is 05:53am.
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