Meditation Day 29 – 0
Day 38
To abstience of sound. No podcasts. No audio books. No voice notes. No books. No reels. No emails. No spreadsheets. No dashboards. No meetings. No smiles. No voices. To a day of complete silence to myself, with my eyes closed.
The soft rain that wanes and waxes through the morning, car drives close and far. Where have the birds gone, I have not heard them. As I write, I hear them to my right, flying and making sound, in between cars coming and going. My stomach too full from overconsuming the past few days. To fill the void that demanded to be felt. Avoiding the layers still. Having dealt with the first loss. Then the second. Now, the mourning of what was never there. Expectation of a relationship that I wanted more than she. Could she have done more? No. Did she do the best she could? Yes.
I used to think that doing our best was all that mattered. What do you expect from am orphan? A beggar? Person with no arms? I was wrong. We should set high expectations not just ourselves but everyone around us.
Sure, a roof over my head and food in my stomach having knowledge of who my parents are is a ladder up from my father’s life. It doesn’t mean my needs were met. It doesn’t mean they could have done better than where they started from.
It is different for me. I cannot measure my place with rungs or ladders. I am mountain tops ahead, in terms of comfort, knowledge and of course, abundance. The infinite space of interbeing, a long line around two points that intersect. A circle of no beginnings. I see Georgie around an arc, showcasing the motion of centriifugal force as she turns around dramatically.
Why is that we can only see clearly with our eyes closed, in stillness, with no one around us? A lesson that keeps repeating myself. When will this become like the breath I take?
No matter.
As I clean, vacuum, and put things away. Mindful to take out more than what I brought in. I notice the clothes I pack away, intended for charity. see a pattern. This one would fit older sister and it’s her style. This one would fit Sophie. This is perfect for Audrey. A pattern of purchasing emerges. I don’t buy only for myself. I do so for those I think of the most. My love language of acts of service, giving gifts, knowing that words of affirmation matters less for myself. These fabrics carefully folded for them to use during our holiday in December, my eyes water. Words hitting the truth of my being. As I have been trying to restrain this love of mine. Feeling the distance growing. A natural tendency, and a healthy one.
I light the red candle scented apple cinnamon. Noticing the remainder of green candle held by the buddha’s hands. It is a desire to light the two. Not an impulse. Because even the smallest candle light emits not just light, but heat. Just a little bit to remind me the power of a small light. I am that small light.
Namaste. The god in me sees the god in the world.
