Eckert Tolle describes pain body as living life force. Shadow imprinted on our body from the past, combined with ancestors’ and society’s dark energy. It’s also known as Sankara or Karma.
Sometimes,
I play the same game with no hope of moving to the next level.
I find myself in same relationships with the same people with different faces, watching the same old movie.
I run as fast as I can, spinning my wheels, only to find myself in the middle of nowhere.
Stuck in the same level, same movie, same place. In this purgatory of personal hell.
I need to get myself out of here.
What is causing this free spin of wasted energy? Pain body demanding to be fed. It fights to stay alive. Demanding and belligerent, yelling: I am hungry. I will not starve. I will not go away. I have been with you as long as your oldest memory. I am a living life force. I will not perish. Inviting chaos.
Shielding the light of my being.
Building fortresses and moats filled with sharks. Fortifying every entrance with booby traps and machine guns. Block out curtains drawn on every window. Keeping the world out, demanding safety.
Nothing can get in. Nothing can get out. I can’t see. It’s dark.
I ran to you when I needed to run from the present. A safe hide out, in shadows where I could not be found. Yet, truth be told, I didn’t need you then, and I don’t need you now. And I will not run away from you, the shadow you cast, tethered to my being.
When I ran to you, I was a child, behaving in childish ways. Believing in fairy tales and made-up stories.
I now live in the present, in this body, not the previous one. Grounded and integrating into my total being.
I used to look for you. Mistaking you for my favorite sweater my mother knit for me when I was a small child. Red with a hint of white, with brown buttons on the front, and on side pockets. Keeping me warm and cute, this sweater made of love.
And like the sweater, you no longer fit. Too small, too hot, and too itchy.
You are still a living force, not a garment. I hear you. I see you. I have been feeling you arising inside the deepest parts of my body, demanding to be fed. All you want is junk food. You want me to become a zombie. You don’t want air, the light, and clear water. You want chocolate, chips and soda that makes me feel bad. That makes me want to go to sleep. You try to disconnect me from the real world. Yet, I see you are just trying to stay alive, just like me.
I fed you on Tuesday. A crispy waffle with thick coat of Nutella, powdered sugar and small slices of strawberries. The child in me rejoiced, yet why did I crave another meal? Eyes were full, but belly empty. I walked around hungry despite the large calorific content the meal provided.
On Wednesday, I walked to a local joint for pumpkin pancakes and bananas. I felt full right away, feeling my stomach expanding, my being smiling from the nourishment.
I invite you to meet with me. This isn’t working out, you and me. We have no future together, and all you do is make me feel bad. I choose happiness. I choose myself.
And so, this love letter is to you: pain body, sankhara, karma. I acknowledge you so that I can release you. Thank you for showing me where I come from, where I have been hurting, and where I need to avoid. Thank you for showing me the shadows and the past I must face head on and not run away from. Past is gone, and you too, must go.
This isn’t working out, you and me. I release you into the ethers of emptiness. To become dirt, grass, rain. It’s up to you, you are free to go. To make better use of your life force to feed the universe. Our collective consciousness awakens as we become more aware of you. I am the master, and you are a shadow.
I walk to the windows, opening curtains, windows and doors. I release sharks into the ocean, where they belong. I lower the gates. Walls come down.
This love letter is to partings. To severing ties with things and people that no longer serve us. To long overdue goodbyes. Tschüss!
A dozen eggs crack open. Infinite possibilities pour into a bowl. What will you mix into your bowl of gooey goodness? How about the light of your being?
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