Category: Uncategorized

  • Day 56 – Silence

    Meditation Day 29 – 0
    Day 38

    To abstience of sound. No podcasts. No audio books. No voice notes. No books. No reels. No emails. No spreadsheets. No dashboards. No meetings. No smiles. No voices. To a day of complete silence to myself, with my eyes closed.

    The soft rain that wanes and waxes through the morning, car drives close and far. Where have the birds gone, I have not heard them. As I write, I hear them to my right, flying and making sound, in between cars coming and going. My stomach too full from overconsuming the past few days. To fill the void that demanded to be felt. Avoiding the layers still. Having dealt with the first loss. Then the second. Now, the mourning of what was never there. Expectation of a relationship that I wanted more than she. Could she have done more? No. Did she do the best she could? Yes.

    I used to think that doing our best was all that mattered. What do you expect from am orphan? A beggar? Person with no arms? I was wrong. We should set high expectations not just ourselves but everyone around us.

    Sure, a roof over my head and food in my stomach having knowledge of who my parents are is a ladder up from my father’s life. It doesn’t mean my needs were met. It doesn’t mean they could have done better than where they started from.

    It is different for me. I cannot measure my place with rungs or ladders. I am mountain tops ahead, in terms of comfort, knowledge and of course, abundance. The infinite space of interbeing, a long line around two points that intersect. A circle of no beginnings. I see Georgie around an arc, showcasing the motion of centriifugal force as she turns around dramatically.

    Why is that we can only see clearly with our eyes closed, in stillness, with no one around us? A lesson that keeps repeating myself. When will this become like the breath I take?

    No matter.

    As I clean, vacuum, and put things away. Mindful to take out more than what I brought in. I notice the clothes I pack away, intended for charity. see a pattern. This one would fit older sister and it’s her style. This one would fit Sophie. This is perfect for Audrey. A pattern of purchasing emerges. I don’t buy only for myself. I do so for those I think of the most. My love language of acts of service, giving gifts, knowing that words of affirmation matters less for myself. These fabrics carefully folded for them to use during our holiday in December, my eyes water. Words hitting the truth of my being. As I have been trying to restrain this love of mine. Feeling the distance growing. A natural tendency, and a healthy one.

    I light the red candle scented apple cinnamon. Noticing the remainder of green candle held by the buddha’s hands. It is a desire to light the two. Not an impulse. Because even the smallest candle light emits not just light, but heat. Just a little bit to remind me the power of a small light. I am that small light.

    Namaste. The god in me sees the god in the world.

  • Day 55 – Reels of Joy

    Meditation Day 28 – 0
    Day 37

    To reels of inspirations. Scrolls of motivations.

    A quadraplegic man’s man is to do a triathlon. His brother tows him as he swims. Pulls him with his cycle. Pushes him as he runs. And together, they finish the race. The able bodied kissing the disabled as they finish, tears rolling down both faces.

    Armless mom and her 3-year old toddler. Mother uses her feet to take out her credit card. Little one pays for a snack. Mother opens the pack using her big and small toes of her feet, and the toddler eats her snack happily. A mother with her small backpack and her toddler walks on happily. Where are they going, I wonder.

    A torso of man missing an arm and lower body asks why you keep asking yourself and not finding yourself at gym. This worry is a privilege. Having legs is a privilege. So is having both sets of arms.

    A man telling his wife to be how he loves her more. Not more than she does. No, not like that. He loves her more than any obstacle that is going to come between us. He loves her more than the anger that may arise to keep him away from her. He loves her more than any illness that may disturb their peace.

    We villify social media, and yes. They are unsocial in that we are not active participants. Doom scrolling, a system design that keeps us tethered to heroine that continues to want to inject in us.

    Like everything in life, what we see and who we surround ourselves with is a choice. The more you look for the good, the more good will come to us. The more inspiration you seek, the more inspiration you will see. We seek what we see. We see what we seek.

    It’s so simple, yet we get it wrong majority of the time. I get it wrong often, but I am getting better at getting it right too.

    These reels are like the different colors of inspirations that make us look up to see our own reflections, appreciating kaleidoscope of beauty all around. A simple reminder to look up and around us to see things as they are.

  • Day 54 – “On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous”

    Meditation Day 27 – 0
    Day 36?

    What am I grateful for? As my body lay still, my mind racing, this blanket is too cold. The two of them too hot. The other one just right, but the duvet not as soft.

    The more time I spend in Korea, the more I see how Korean I am.

    The Korean in me is always looking for improvements. Spot the waste. Stop the unnecessary. Find better ways to get it done. Reduce, reimagine. Do it right first time with automation and markers as required.

    What does it mean to be Korean? To read the room. To see where I fit in the order of hierarchy. Am I allowed to talk? Or is this a meeting of the elders and seniors, and I must feign interest and not disagree?

    As I land, I walk through the fossils of Covid, abandoned and overlooked. I go through the immigration line, the first machine scans my passport, before opening the door, where I place my index finger against the scanner. The door opens again, and I walk through, with no checked baggage to wait for. I walk to get u-sim with 100 minutes of call time and unlimited data for 15 days. Thereafter, I send the temporary number to few friends and family. My eldest aunt calls me, and we talk briefly before I excuse myself. I have to buy the airport limousine bus to Hong-Dae for KRW17,500.

    My local bank card works, with enough funds to last this trip. I withdraw the maximum KRW 500k to 650k daily to top up. Using the Naver map, I find the walking path to my final destination.

    Doukan, the nicest and friendliest community manager checks me into my private room with comfy bed and two rows of hangers for my clothes. It feels good to have my own place to sleep in, and downstairs to work out of, with an external screen.

    Cafes and convenience stores appear every 5th building, and I don’t know how these businesses sustain with so much competition. How people manage to stay thin with so much flour and sugar in everything they sell.

    Baked goods are combined with everything you’d want, and it’s rare to see butter or jam served with your pastry. Everything is baked in. The same with grilled meat. Scissors are used to cut the meat into bite sized chunks, and so you never see knives as we use spoons and silver chopsticks.

    Signs are everywhere. Walk to your right. Do not pass. Hold onto the escalator. In case of fire, do not panic. In case of emergency, pull this handle. Do not talk loudly. Be considerate. Move the pack from your back to the front, to give more space to others. Do not sit on the seat designated for pregnant women. Do not litter (there are no trash cans anywhere). Every taxi has a number for foreigners to call if they need help. Behind every bathroom stall is a sign to seek help if you are suffering from drug addiction. There is zero tolerance here, when it coms to drugs. No weed. No psychedelics. When there is a fire or heavy wind or missing person, the city sends you notifications on your phone, depending on where you are. Every apartment has speakers built in for public announcements. Every hiking trail is manicured. Raised platforms dot public spaces and local mountains to mount your tents. In some areas, there are picnic mats placed for the public to rest on. Along walkways near streams, a variety of exercise machines are available free of charge.

    Even weddings are efficient. Wedding halls are set up with stages, flowers and perfect lighting with rooms for make up and hair. Changing rooms with lockers. Restaurant for guests. These halls are rented for maximum two hours, to get people in and out. If you miss the time of the wedding, you’ll be witnessing strangers events. Every picture and setting perfect. All you have to do is pay and show up.

    The country I left behind, the poor and unrecognized has made impressive improvements that has now become the norm.

    This was done by getting rid of all the gaps and finding better ways to live collectively.

    But a part of me, having lived in South Africa for the past 14 years thinks otherwise. I miss the human connection from inefficient way of working. Even ordering at restaurants are done on kiosks with a touch of few screens. Convenient, yes. Human touch, none.

    I just listened to Ocean Vuong be interviewed by New York Times for his new book. He recounts his part time job at Boston Market. The facade of American restaurants that are defrosting frozen meals to look human made. The time he almost killed his neighbor for stealing his bike. How he lived in government housing, having to survive with the little with his family. His parents working all the time. How he feels unrelatable to his family. How he feels alone. He breaks down in some parts. His story is not dissimilar to mine. Except I don’t break down after years of therapy, few rounds of mushroom ceremony and one ayahuasca coupled with Vipassana meditation. I agree. It’s nearly impossible to be who we are with ethnic family who we were born into. Impossible explain to them where we are and who we have become, and so I have also abandoned this effort. Instead, forming and nurturing communities with the third culture of international travelers who are more like me than my ethnic family.

    Ocean and I have more in common. This is why we should write, to share our stories. To create the connections and invite others to see themselves through our own stories.

    And so, this love letter goes out to Ocean Vuong for catalyzing these thoughts and ramblings through your interview and your first book, “On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous.”

  • Day 53

    Meditation Day 26 – 0
    Day 35?

    To rest and restful friends.

    I sleep for twelve hours. Twelve days away catching up with me. Sleeping in uncomfortable and unfamiliar beds. Sharing bathrooms with strangers. Keeping South African hours. Sharing a row of seats with a 2m giant with long arms on the way back. The way there, a big and friendly guy who sat in the middle. Don’t they check in early to get a seat best suited for their bodies? Are they not the most uncomfortable in middle seats?

    If it weren’t for the promenade walk with two of my friends, I would have stayed asleep until my first meeting.

    The walk with two humans and fur animal excited to be on his first first promenade walk. It’s fun being the triangle again, with the conversation flowing between the two, with me adding a little bit of salt. Less pressure and more fun.

    As we wait for generous coffee Georgie buys us, I do 100 squats and Carla and Rupi check out the tennis court. We walk back home, to get ready for our days. Georgie presses the cross-walk signal, and she snaps a shot of us before the light blinks green.

    To rests, to walks, and to old friends. To love, a verb. The act of showing up and spending time with people that are good for my soul.

  • Day 52 – Friendly people

    Meditation Day 25 – 0
    Day 34?

    To the distribution center, 35 minutes away from Sea Point where I got the opportunity to work with awesome colleagues.

    I am grateful to everyone who made me feel welcome. Thanks Riaan, the team lead who opened up your office space and your team to me. To Miles who always kept me informed of office days and invited me to engage in silly conversations. To Deon, who always bought me lunch, saving me from having to make decisions and bringing a putter and golf balls for us to have a bit of fun. To Hassan who brought me a pair of house slippers when I mentioned it once. Who also told me I look even younger than a month ago when he last saw me. To Tanya who showed me around, especially the women’s bathroom. To the security guards who recognized me and let me in through the gates. To the lovely cafeteria lady who made me the most delicious chicken fingers and fries.

    Spending few days a week with this team showed me the importance of loose connections. Having a place of work with colleagues to have tea and lunch with. Not exactly friends, nor acquittances. Something in the middle, familiar and kind.

    I am not sure when I will see them again, as they are moving to Gardens office, where I am not yet welcome! I invite them to meet me for lunch when they move over. To letting go and saying goodbye. Until we meet next time!

  • Day 49

    Meditation Day 24 – 22 minutes
    Day 33

    To sunshines peaking in the coming of winter months, letting me expose my legs to feel the sun against my skin for the last time for a long while. I come back to change before going out for another long walk followed by lunch at the Oranjezicht market. Today, fewer people and relaxing vibes.

    This time, two Korean stalls are gone, replaced by a juice station and fish and chips. We share mushroom skewers, three salads plus corn fritter, and the Japanese griddled cakes, one custard and one with nutella and oreo.

    To a beautiful Sunday with a promenade walks, with honest conversations. To settling down, letting clutter of thoughts leave the mind. Emptying of expectations and future plans.

    To see and accept things as they are.

    Happy birthday, gardener of our souls. You are officially a ‘paying’ customer, according to airlines. You look great in your red track suit and flying bees knees pajamas.

    I fall asleep in my own blue puma tracksuit, finding myself awake the next morning around 6am.

  • Day 48

    Meditation Day 23 – 51 mins.
    Day 32

    To communities.

    The Vipassana hiking the path group setting up a hike up Lion’s head this morning. The four women climb up and down getting to know one another. Feminine energy taking over the vibe for the first time, and the comfort that comes from the togetherness.

    Coming down from the Lion’s head hike, I ask the group of 4 women, and Charlie’s bakery is recommended. The three of us go for coffee and breakfast. I buy one cookie in the shape of a dinosaur, with prominent color red. Deciding to not buy them at the cost of R1600. My job is to deliver 24 cupcakes. Half for children.

    I decide on a Spur, with easier parking with the risk of no parking at Woolworths. Wash my hair before running out of the house to get to the party and help out.

    Afterwards, I drive my friend to V&A. Go home to rest and do more admin before going over to Carla’s for a wonderful dinner. Talking and enjoying one another’s company. A safe community of togetherness, with Daniel tellins us about his recently deceased uncle.

    “Did he have a good life? Was he happy?”

    “He had a lot of friends and kept himself busy. He was a closeted guy, with momentos a potential reminders of the romantic pasts. The neighbor came over recently to see if he can get access to build up the border wall to waterproof his place. The guy was petty.”

    Happy people do not behave in petty ways.

    I come home to appreciate and acknowledge the three different communities I’ve built here, having the privilege of being invited and celebrated. Landing and having to speak to the immigration officer to be told to leave in three months’ time (I’m leaving anyways), I wonder what I am doing here. I answer my question by seeing what I have created. Communities to connect me to my source of ease.

  • Day 47 – Take Off

    Meditation Day 22 – Full
    Day 31? or 32?

    A good night’s rest on my bed. There is no place like home. SIamese Twin comes over to catch up, to see how I am doing, to reinforce what I learned. What I am learning to integrate.

    To my aunts for always thinking of me, suggesting what is best for me. A slow learner I am, but once I get started, there is no stopping me. I always tell my team to tell me as soon as they have a problem. Think of ourselves like an airplane.

    Runway is there to give the airplane enough distance to build up velocity before the angle of attack is attempted to fly and create lift. I feel like my time is running out. Both aunts. Sisi and Ameera. Four women who love me unconditionally have been telling me to have a child. You can do it alone, they keep telling me. You are abundant. You have put yourself out there. You’ve tried. My time is running away, the short runaway that is left.

    And so, I realize I cannot take off like the the traditional passenger plane. I need to become the F16, able to take off on aircraft carriers, at top velocity, trained and ready to go at a momen’ts notice. Waiting for the moment to do my duty. In the army, they teach you to “train like you fight”. During the time of war, you can’t sit out a fight because of a rain or a sleet. So why would you cancel training for inclement weather? Life doesn’t work that way. Life will come at you when you least expect it.

    On the way back, I see the same GE logo I had placed on my hardhat for 6 years. The token of love in my dad’s garage, a momento for him. His pride and joy.

    What does it mean to take off? Sisi tells me I should meditate, and so I do. Here, I sit at Plato, contemplating my next steps. What I do today creates the future of my own creations. As I hang up laundry in the dark of the night, a thought whizzes by. The universe keeps telling me the same message over and over again. When will I listen? Today.

  • Day 46 – good vibration

    Meditation Day 22 –

    Last day in Korea before I jet off to Sea Point. I am happy to be going home. Choosing my home, where I belong. Here is to making choices. Getting unstuck with our identity and belief of where we should stay, based on our origin and ethnicity.

    First, I choose me. I choose what is easy and carefree. I choose to go where I am happy. It’s not perfect, and imperfection is what makes us easier to accept. Right now, as I listen to the Beatles play the song, “here comes the sun”, I am reminded to listen to myself. My body and feelings.

    Choose well. Choose wisely. Choose to win.

  • Day 44 – fasting

    Meditation Day 20 – 0
    Day 29

    Yesterday, I said I would wake up early to start the day with a love letter. Sharing a room with three others, the shower is taken up. The upstairs bathroom too. After this trip, I don’t want to stay in a group dormitory, especially coed, despite this being my first experience. Why does it smell like this, I wondered, as I fell asleep.

    This morning, I look around the room to find worn socks and half-drunk coffee. I don’t want to look for more things, and I pack up my duffel bag. Two more sleeps, and I am out of here. Like the tarot card, I am here to experience the last of what I am ready to leave behind.

    I bid adieu to Andres, nice Chilean, as I walk out the door, wearing a new dress I picked up from my aunt, draped with a thick cream cardigan I bought on the way home for KRW 15,000. Something like this would cost 10x back in SA.

    As I turn the corner, I come across this sign: “Do what you love”. Exploring. Trying things out, staying curious and being in the moment. Being responsible to myself to stop doing the things that no longer serve me, including people I used to feel responsible for. As Master Yi said, I can only learn, and in turn teach. Everyone must live his or her life. No one else can do it for me.

    And so, here I am at Fritz Coffee, an hour early for my morning appointment, technically up since 2am. Facing the baked goods section, I write this love letter to keep my promise of doing better tomorrow, and today is the day to do what I want to do. Thank you, universe for reinforcing what I need to do.
    Sitting here, on this high table, with a round back rest, with music I know though I can’t name it. I feel happy. Contentment I hadn’t felt for the past few days? It’s not only one thing. I am happy to be clean, calm and collected. Not having to rush. Not having to interact with anyone. Sitting here on my own, to write. To have a dialogue with myself. The mundane moment to myself.

    No longer fighting. What was left of the small urge to try out the baked goods, when I am full, I remember what Master Yi said. The smell and look tempting us to have a taste when we know better. I know better. I am still full and my body needs a rest from having to chew, digest and process the intake of food. Not just food, but people, interactions and epiphanies. Needing time to integrate them into my being.

    Funny how little it takes to make myself happy. Twenty minutes in, and I feel my heart light up with joy. Doing what I love. Or, maybe it’s easy because I’ve gotten used to doing what I love.

    Cause and effect. What action am I taking today to create the better future for myself? Four years ago, I volunteered to take an additional portfolio unable to find a home. I wonder if this portfolio will tide me over for a little longer. The more of the right thing we take on, the better we become. The trick is to know what to let go of, what to automate, and what to focus my attention on.

    What past traumas and patterns are we living out? How many more days of abuse do you need before you get angry enough to fight back? To say, this is enough. What do you need to push you over to take over your own life?

    For her, it was because she was hungry for days, unable to eat and sleep. And when the violence began, twenty years in, she finally stood up for herself, after taking the first bite of a meal in three days. The being fighting back to survive. And this survival instinct kicks in to finally do what it needed to do fifty years ago. It all makes sense.

    The other is tipped over for being talked to disrespectfully.

    Different triggers disintegrating the very relationship that’s sustained them over their lives.

    그래서 나도 비우기로 다시 다짐한다. 비워야 뭐든 들어갈 수 있고, 나올수도 있는 것이다.

    Trigger is the smallest part of the weapon. And even if you pull the trigger with no ammunition, nothing comes out. I want to free of all ammo. To be free. To be at peace.

    And so, I fast. Drinking ice latte with oat milk for the day.

    Epilogue:

    I ended up having lunch with an elder for $8. Cheapest yet the best meal. Price and value based on perceived value and not reality.

    I bought 6 more items of clothing, my duffel bag now full. Finding clothes at affordable prices that was designed to fit my body. While my mind races, my body is at peace. My purse is closed for the remainder of 2025. I have everything I need and want.