Meditation Day 20 – 0
Day 29?
Yesterday, I said I would wake up early to start the day with a love letter. Sharing a room with three others, the shower is taken up. The upstairs bathroom too. After this trip, I don’t want to stay in a group dormitory, especially coed, despite this being my first experience. Why does it smell like this, I wondered, as I fell asleep.
This morning, I look around the room to find worn socks and half-drunk coffee. I don’t want to look for more things, and I pack up my duffel bag. Two more sleeps, and I am out of here. Like the tarot card, I am here to experience the last of what I am ready to leave behind.
I bid adieu to Andres, nice Chilean, as I walk out the door, wearing a new dress I picked up from my aunt, draped with a thick cream cardigan I bought on the way home for KRW 15,000. Something like this would cost 10x back in SA.
As I turn the corner, I come across this sign: “Do what you love”. Exploring. Trying things out, staying curious and being in the moment. Being responsible to myself to stop doing the things that no longer serve me, including people I used to feel responsible for. As Master Yi said, I can only learn, and in turn teach. Everyone must live his or her life. No one else can do it for me.
And so, here I am at Fritz Coffee, an hour early for my morning appointment, technically up since 2am. Facing the baked goods section, I write this love letter to keep my promise of doing better tomorrow, and today is the day to do what I want to do. Thank you, universe for reinforcing what I need to do.
Sitting here, on this high table, with a round back rest, with music I know though I can’t name it. I feel happy. Contentment I hadn’t felt for the past few days? It’s not only one thing. I am happy to be clean, calm and collected. Not having to rush. Not having to interact with anyone. Sitting here on my own, to write. To have a dialogue with myself. The mundane moment to myself.
No longer fighting. What was left of the small urge to try out the baked goods, when I am full, I remember what Master Yi said. The smell and look tempting us to have a taste when we know better. I know better. I am still full and my body needs a rest from having to chew, digest and process the intake of food. Not just food, but people, interactions and epiphanies. Needing time to integrate them into my being.
Funny how little it takes to make myself happy. Twenty minutes in, and I feel my heart light up with joy. Doing what I love. Or, maybe it’s easy because I’ve gotten used to doing what I love.
Cause and effect. What action am I taking today to create the better future for myself? Four years ago, I volunteered to take an additional portfolio unable to find a home. I wonder if this portfolio will tide me over for a little longer. The more of the right thing we take on, the better we become. The trick is to know what to let go of, what to automate, and what to focus my attention on.
What past traumas and patterns are we living out? How many more days of abuse do you need before you get angry enough to fight back? To say, this is enough. What do you need to push you over to take over your own life?
For her, it was because she was hungry for days, unable to eat and sleep. And when the violence began, twenty years in, she finally stood up for herself, after taking the first bite of a meal in three days. The being fighting back to survive. And this survival instinct kicks in to finally do what it needed to do fifty years ago. It all makes sense.
The other is tipped over for being talked to disrespectfully.
Different triggers disintegrating the very relationship that’s sustained them over their lives.
그래서 나도 비우기로 다시 다짐한다. 비워야 뭐든 들어갈 수 있고, 나올수도 있는 것이다.
Trigger is the smallest part of the weapon. And even if you pull the trigger with no ammunition, nothing comes out. I want to free of all ammo. To be free. To be at peace.
And so, I fast. Drinking ice latte with oat milk for the day.
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